Knobs of Coal
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: Chef Hatchet, mentally believing he's one of Santa's elves, sets out to give everyone knobs of coal for Christmas. However, while he may have it in the bag at first, there is one major obstacle. WARNING: Very, very disturbing!


**Because it's Christmas, I've decided to write this one shot. Enjoy!**

**WARNING: This may very well be the most disturbing Christmas story you'll ever read.**

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It was only a few hours away from dawn. Pretty much everyone in this part of Canada was asleep, except for one:

Chef Hatchet. Apparently, there was something wrong with his mind. For example, he mentally believed he was a war vet, a ballet dancer, and even a Catholic priest. This time, he mentally believed he was Santa's elf. He mentally believed he was asked to deliver the presents to the former contestants of _Total Drama_. Coincidentally, all of the former contestants lived on the same street, so Chef would have no problem delivering coal to thirty-eight contestants while dressed in a red and white suit with red and white hat, black boots, black gloves and a fake white beard.

You see, Chef felt that none of the contestants deserved any presents that year, and felt he would get his revenge by putting coal under their trees. So anyway, he arrived at the first house: Gwen and Duncan's. Gwen and Duncan recently married and now they're expecting a baby. Chef climbed up to the roof and popped a few bricks of coal down the chimney. Fortunately, no sensor for the alarm system was facing the fireplace; otherwise there would be a false alarm. Chef climbed down from the roof and repeated the same process for several other houses, including Geoff and Bridgette's house, Mike and Zoey's house, Sam and Dakota's house, Lindsay and Tyler's house, Cody and Beth's house, Scott and Lightning's house, Katie and DJ's house, Ezekiel and Sadie's house, Eva and Jo's house, Sierra and Trent's house, LeShawna and Cameron's house, Noah and Brick's house, Heather and Justin's house, Courtney and Anne Maria's house, Owen and Harold's house, Dawn and B's house and Alejandro and Staci's house. Not a single problem arose when dropping bricks of coal into each fireplace.

However, Chef realised that he was going to have a problem with the last house he was going to visit: Izzy and Blaineley's house. Unsurprisingly, Blaineley didn't want to live with Izzy, because she wanted to just be friends with benefits with every other girl on the street, but Izzy was having none of it. But Blaineley could sure do with a domestic partner, and since Izzy was very open to orgies, Blaineley wasn't complaining. So Chef quietly climbed the vines to get to the top of the roof. He looked into the chimney hole when he was finally on the roof. Suddenly, he slipped and fell head first down the chimney and found himself inside Izzy and Blaineley's sitting-room. Chef waited anxiously for the sirens to sound.

Silence

Chef realised that Izzy and Blaineley had no alarm system installed in their home. He wondered why, considering that burglaries were not uncommon in this part of Canada. He decided this time he would lay down the blocks of coal underneath the tree. As he was doing this, he noticed boxes and parcels of gifts under the tree. He wondered what they were doing there. Then he realised the horrible truth: Santa calm, and brought them presents. He knew this when he discovered a plate of half-eaten cookies and a half-drank glass of milk on the stool right beside the fireplace. Boy was the man who mentally believed he was Santa's elf furious. He went to all this trouble giving everyone in the neighbourhood knobs of coal, but they still got presents. Feeling betrayed, Chef decided he would help himself to some, or maybe all, of these presents. However, he slipped on a lump of coal he dropped and fell backwards with a loud thud. Footsteps sounded from upstairs. It came closer. It was only a matter of time before Chef realised why Blaineley and Izzy have not installed an alarm system:

What would a homeowner need an alarm system for if one of the people living in the house was Izzy?

Speaking of which, Izzy appeared along with her domestic partner, Blaineley. Blaineley glared at Chef Hatchet and was like: "What are you doing here in my house?! That better not be your faeces on my floor!"

"I'm here to give you bitches a few knobs of coal!" Chef replied. "You bitches ain't deserve no presents, along with everyone else!"

"Well obviously Santa Claus thinks differently!" Blaineley snarled. "How dare you break into our home?! I'm going to make you wish you were arrested! Izzy, he's all yours!"

"YAAAAAAAY," Izzy chirped, "Izzy loves shagging bald, black, gay men who have mental illnesses!" With that, Izzy pounced on Chef Hatchet and dragged him to the cellar. There, Izzy stripped Chef out of everything but his pants, hat and boots. "Let's have us some fun!" Izzy chirped, climbing on to Chef and wrapping her arms around the cook's neck.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Chef.

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**Well that sure was disturbing for Christmas Eve – or Christmas Day for those of you who live in Eastern parts of the world. Well I'd better have this published before midnight, or I might as well convert to Buddhism and observe only the secular parts of Christmas. Anyway, sorry for ruining your Christmas with a very disturbing story, heheh.**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


End file.
